I’ve always spent more time than I should choosing a dress, or a hairstyle. I know most people say this is common with women. Perhaps it is, Perhaps there’s more to the constant anxiety I feel when I’m not sure about whether it is a blue or white coloured dress that will match my shoes.
My indeciveness shows on me sometimes. When I look back at my old photos, there’s an image of me standing next to my mother and grandmother. I have a slight bewildered look on my face as if I was forcefully transplanted there from a happy place. But according to my mum, I was a fairly happy baby. Why wouldn’t I be? Love was simpler. You have no fears showing and giving back love as a child. You are trusting, completely in the reciprocity of a parent.
Not so much though, when you fall in love as an adult. I find that every action and choice made has no guarantee. No guarantee of patience, understanding, freedom, honesty and love. You must plunge in trusting that the love you feel will carry you. You’re painfully aware that things can change. But you must love regardless. It is who you are.
How do I know?
I fell in love. I shared parts of me with someone. A complete stranger until they weren’t anymore. They weren’t terribly bad, not terribly good either. How do I know it was time to leave ? I didn’t. But I left.
So I left with no assurance that I would be ok. I left not knowing completely if I would heal from wounds I was still beginning to understand. I left not knowing how and where I would start from and where I would end. I walked away solely on a prayer and a lot of faith that I would not just heal but I would thrive again.
Needless to say I am thriving. Learning. Growing. Changing. And I love all of it.
Like most people it’s really hard to let go of what’s familiar, even if it serves you half-heartedly. But the true measure of change is finding the courage when the future looks bleak. It takes an admirable amount of courage to be decided, on anything, whether it’s changing jobs, walking out on a toxic relationship, cutting your hair, moving countries or beginning a new venture. While the goal is ultimately to succeed, the thrill and experience is in the journey there. No matter where it leads you, there will be no regrets.