By Mahbuba Matovu

It’s a public holiday and school is cancelled, so I decide to spend the day updating my blog. The mood is perfect. It’s only 1 pm but it’s raining like crazy with dark clouds dominating the skies. I cozy up in my lady-cave with dim lamp-shade lighting while timeless hits from Jazmine Sullivan, Adele and Ed Sheeran serenade my ears. I attempt to type my thoughts out. I have barely written my post title when my phone lights up. It’s a WhatsApp message from a number not saved in my contacts, “Missy miss, looking hottt lol.”

Naturally, I start to create a suspects list, but then realize, I am in Business-Woman mode and in no mood to be wooed. My curiosity fades faster then the back-light of my phone screen.

One minute later, the phone lights up for the second time and my anxiety rushes back. I get up to make myself a cup of tea and while I wait for it to heat up, I decide to solve the case of the anonymous texter.

Thank God WhatsApp tells you who the sender might be, so there’s no need to engage in any ‘guess who’ games.

So I open the message, go straight to the top right corner, and click the profile picture. There he is…zoom…zoom…zoom a little more…move the picture down…Oooooh fuck!

“Ain’t this nigga married”, I ask myself.

“Why me”, I think to myself. “Why do I have to be the one dealing with the case of the married man? There are hundreds of women that are about this life and make their trade very obvious. So why prey on the good ones?” My WhatsApp profile picture is not even sexy like that, just my face. Yes, I have red lipstick on, but my facial expression wouldn’t count as enticing.

So I try to figure out how contacting me even occurred to him. Was he going through his phone contacts and once he reached my name he was like, “Yesssss this is my new target…this one!!!…let me disorganize her with my unfaithfulness.” Or maybe he had hit on every other girl in his contacts list and was now going for the well-behaved focused ones, which probably made me a good contender? But why go for the focused one? Wouldn’t it be easier to hit on the easy-goer…three glasses of wine and game-on?

I felt stressed by the situation-yet-to-unfold. Now, I know you’re wondering why not just tell him “NOT INTERESTED” and move on with my life. Thing is, the way the living-abroad life is set up, if you’re a group of people from the same country, living in the same city, chances are you know each other, and attend the same parties.

I like to have a good vibe with everyone, not to mention attending the parties accounts for 75% of my social life abroad. Boycotting them was not an option.

I had to figure out a way to make it stop, without coming off as rude and risk being deleted from the invited-guests WhatsApp group. So before replying, I set a few ground rules to the kind of replies I would give:

  1. Just get in, make my point, and get out.
  2. No lol-ing, I’m not here for funny business.
  3. No asking him about his life.
  4. Straight polite answers only.
  5. No emojis, they come off as playful.
  6. No hanging around so he can see how much attention you’re giving his convo by staying online and typing… for a minute straight.
  7. If he asks to hang-out, you take 9 college classes, work 80 hours a week, and in your free time you volunteer at the animal shelter i.e. YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME TO SOCIALIZE.

Feeling prepared, I decide to face my demons.

*Chat starts

John (J): Missy miss, looking hottt lol

                (My Thoughts) *avoid replies that will show much interest in this conversation

Buba (B): Thank you, hope all is well.

J: You hide too much

                *From you…yes

B: Around, super busy with school as usual.

J: You have my number now. Call sometime.

                *To tell you what

B: Cool

J: Waiting on pilawo

                *Pilawo is a spicy rice delicacy commonly found in Ugandan households

B: ??

J: Some home cooked pilawo…or you don’t cook

B: Nah Mehn, no skills

J: lol plan a day we go look for it

                * Weeee? Da Fuck!!!

J: Where do you stay by the way

                * Girl you better lie…

B: Pearland

J: I work close, let me know when you’re there and I’ll check it out

*Thinks of stuff around the house that would actually need a guy’s help fixing…

Screenshots the entire conversation, WhatsApps it to my bestie with caption, “Help…” The bitch sends back 30 crying-laughing emojis. “Just tell him okay and whenever he asks if you’re there, tell him no,” she says. I go back to my chat…

B: Sure

J: Do you have a roomie

B: Yes

J: Hire me to clean your place…looking for a job

                * This married muthafucker…you want to know where I live, you want to check it out, you want to know if I have a roomie…bruh!!!

B: You have jokes

J: Do you work

B: All the time

J: So you date…what

B: Yes

J: What’s your type

B: Muslim men

  *Cock-Blocker statement of the year…works even faster than “I have a boyfriend”.

J: That’s good…yah pretty and yah know it

                *Looks at phone terrified

B: Thank you…bout to hit up a class, nice talk, tc.

J: Beautiful African girl…waiting on your invite

*Chat ends

                *Closes whatssapp…FUCK MY LIIIIFFFFFEEEEE!!!!

Enjoy December!

P.S. Check out my Lifestyle blog and find me on Twitter and Instagram @FabsCulture