By Marie-Helena Mekolo

To the man I love dearly:

Lately, I’ve found my thoughts drifting back to you…..

Remembering our last encounter, trying to decipher some moments and actions, attempting to get a peak at the side of you that’s hidden. I start seeing the good in you: “ Oh, that’s what he truly meant” or “ No, he didn’t mean to be a jerk, he really wanted me to stay” and my ultimate favorite “He cares, he really likes you *insert fabricated reason*”. Then I get angry with myself because why, why, why do I have to convince myself that you care? Why can’t you let me know?

Anyway, even though I have every right to be mad at you, to hate you (cue all the manipulation and emotional blackmail) I do not. Your happiness is my happiness; your success is my success. There is nothing more that I want than to see you win. I’m not your enemy and I truly wish you could see that. But you’re stuck in your own head and feelings. You’re too preoccupied with what I did rather than asking me why I did it.

I wish we talked more, maybe we wouldn’t be where we are. Maybe if I didn’t run away or if you were really who you said you were we wouldn’t be here: not together. Nevertheless, I regret nothing! Every journey, every experience is a lesson learned. I’m learning to foster love rather than hate.

I’m challenging myself to not dwell in pain but in hope. To not accept and expect; but rather aspire to respect and be patient. Loving you has challenged my very being, I am shaken to the core. I questioned everybody and every opportunity coming my way. Still, I do not hate you, nor will I ever take back our moments together. You are special to me:  my love, my pain, my cure, and my nightmare. A beautiful paradox to my existence. Thank you for all the lessons, I don’t think I will ever be able to say this to your face, but I’m all set.

Sayonara my love.