I miss you every single day.
I see you in every stranger that I meet.
I feel you in every song, the lyrics remind me of our conversations.
Sometimes I stop at your scent, with hopes of seeing you.
There are days when it’s easier, and those days I tell myself that you are better off now:
Happier, free, loved and more joyous than ever.
And then there are days like these, when I cannot stop myself from thinking about you.
When all the loss reminds me that you’re not here.
When every sweet dream turns into a nightmare in the morning.
See, the first days were easier because I lived in denial,
Told myself that you would come back.
I walked around the city self-conscious and afraid I might bump into you.
My imagination going wild.
Would we be strangers again? Would you recognize me with a hug?
Would you be a completely different person and pass me by? Would I handle it?
Sometimes I refused to cry because I didn’t have time for that.
I worked my way through life to bury the sorrow deep down.
Then I was angry. With you. For leaving me alone, for making me go through this hell.
Angry with God. For letting you leave. For everything.
Angry with myself. For not saying everything I wanted to. For not showing how much I cared. For taking you for granted, thinking you’ll always be here
Then regret and guilt slipped in like that distant uncle.
I told myself that maybe if I had appreciated you more, you wouldn’t have left so early.
If only I had been less hard headed,
If only I had listened to my heart and let you be sometimes,
If only I hadn’t pushed you away when I made you angry,
If only I hadn’t held so many grudges against you,
If only I had enjoyed your presence without question,
If only I had listened to you and walked a mile in your shoes,
If only I hadn’t worn you out from climbing my walls that were so high,
If only I had said I love you many more times,
If only I had kept my promises to you,
If only I had given you that gift I thought you’d love so much,
If only my love for you hadn’t been conditional to circumstances,
If I hadn’t worried about the mundane things that you didn’t do,
If only I had been adventurous,
If only I had accepted your challenges,
All the regret and shame would not wipe away the tears.
I didn’t know what to do with my emotions.
I missed every part of you.
The pain was felt on a whole different level.
My best friend and confidante.
You understood me without judgement.
Nothing could bring me solace.
Dark rooms and isolation became my friends.
Loneliness clung to my bones harder than flesh.
I walked around with a scarred wound.
A living zombie here I was… Lost in a deep and endless abyss.
Now, as the days go by,
I know you’re not coming back.
And though it is not any easier,
I have become better at dealing with it.
I have learned to live with the pain of losing you.
I have learned to speak about you without feeling angry or guilty.
I am grateful I got to know you.
Now I celebrate the little life lessons you gave me.
I celebrate our friendship that is no longer.
The confidence you instilled in me.
The love I saw through your rebukes.
The little imperfections found in our arguments.
I rejoice of your strength that broke my walls.
And showed me the beauty of being vulnerable.
You left me with a little pack of life tools.
Now the load seem lighter.
And the memories sweeter and unforgettable.
Now I know you are happier and in a much better place
Than I could have provided.
Being without you has given me a wider world view.
Your absence has given me courage to overcome.
All the guilt, shame, embarrassments,
I have used them as a staircase to the mountain top
Like a broken vessel, I can see the light.
Now I understand when Jeffrey Lewis said “It’s the Ones Who’ve Cracked That the Light Shines Through”.