Written in My Heart to Him

It’s the 24th of August today, and I’m still wondering why it doesn’t feel like I have made progress with moving on. I do not know if it’s because I imagined doing a lot with you, but I wonder if the chance will present itself again! Everything seems to have ended before it got started. I feel everyday that I got shut out, I wanted so dearly to make it up to you because I felt it. Even though you never admitted that you were hurt, you felt lonely and couldn’t seem to understand it with me. You needed some assurance which I didn’t seem to be in a good place to give. I never meant to hurt you, now I’m hurting too.

I love you, but I was too blind to see how beautiful your heart was, and that you yearned for reciprocity. It’s pretty sad that circumstances didn’t let me present the best version of me, because I hadn’t conquered my fears. So much cloudiness in my world which I didn’t expect you to understand, sadly all you received from me were teasers! I guess the lesson learned is that, you cannot save a loved one for later, so one must give every moment the best shot. I wish I fought harder to be with you. I wish I fought my tired self and availed myself enough, maybe I would have rested better in your arms. I wish I didn’t allow myself to get drowned by all the circumstances that made me seem distant and unable to fill your life with my presence in order to give you all the warmth that you desired. I wish I didn’t hide my vulnerabilities and insecurities, maybe I would have drawn strength from sharing.

Everything you ever wanted was not so much to give, I was lost without realising it. I thought I knew myself, I guess I didn’t. How could I function well to build a world for us without communication or being present? I wake up everyday and I know that I miss you, I miss “us”. I wish I could pick up my phone to call you like I used to. I wish my phone would ring and it’s you calling. I wish I could drop some messages and it leaves a smile on your face. I wonder what comes to your mind when you think of me, if ever I cross your mind. Do I represent the word “pain” to you? Would I ever be able to change the narrative?
I wonder if there’s someone who is now doing all the right things I couldn’t do! I wonder if you’re happier now.
If the thoughts of me do not bring a good feeling to you, I do hope you forgive me! I wish I could hug you and tell you how much I would work to be better for us!

I blame myself for all the change I see in you, then again I wonder why you made it look like we were going to fix things, then you suddenly vanished. I now wonder if there was value attached to the good times shared, and I wonder why you easily let go, like you never wanted things to get better. Were you that hurt or there weren’t any true feelings? Am I meant to suffer now, after becoming fully convinced that I didn’t need a wall of protection? Now I’m broken when I thought I could find strength in you. If this is a punishment for me so I could do better next time, maybe I should learn to accept it. 
I’m beginning to wonder if I am so damaged that I cannot recognise what is true from the beginning and I keep pushing the right energy away. How do I help myself out of this mess?? I wonder if I sound selfish by wishing you stayed because I believe I gave my best at the time, but was my best good enough? I guess not!

Just know that I love you and I take the blame for the way things turned out! I hope you forgive me someday for not being timely, and partly for allowing fear to rip me off what could have been beautiful. I also wonder why circumstances would not allow me to experience love in all it’s shades of beauty, or do I just lack control over these situations? I wish you all the happiness in the world, even if I don’t eventually get the chance to be a part of it. If I do not succeed, I guess it would be okay that at least one of us is HAPPY now!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Esther Chawai
COMMENT (6)
Mary Patricia / 17 March 2022

Love is a beautiful thing and everyone deserves to be love. Your one of the everyone. Heal and move on

Reply
Esther Chawai / 12 June 2022

Thank you…

Reply
Sheila / 20 March 2022

Ooowwww… Is this a real life story? I wanna know Esther. Could say more later May be

Reply
Esther Chawai / 12 June 2022

Yes, it is…

Reply
Nadjath Akanni / 15 April 2022

Not everyday women admit to being at fault, I’m impressed.

Reply
Esther Chawai / 12 June 2022

Hahaha. Thank you!

Reply

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